Broken.....

So how did this happen.  I don't know where to start.  Everything in the world seemed to be going wrong.  Jane got that new job and we NEVER saw each other.  That's not the reason though.  I wouldn't cheat on her because of that.  We managed a couple of visits over the course of half a year or so.  So why then?  She got a job near me and I was as happy as can be!!!  Even for just lunch.  I got to see the face of the woman that I love. 

Then a couple of month's later everything started to go wrong.  I got this skin condition.  Actually 3 separate ones and I battled with them for months.  I tried everything and it just got worse.  I had been fighting non-stop with my wife, been so stupid stressed at work and busy that I thought it was stress related.  My daughter was in that pre-teen phase and I saw her drifting away.  And that hurt because she was always my little girl. She'd always curl up with me and snuggle with me and now I can barely get her to speak to me.

So I saw a dermatologist, had a lesion surgically removed, tried umpteenmillion treatments until they gave me a super strong, one-shot (because it was so strong) bullet to put out the fire (as it was put to me).  I had been up all night scratching and would wake up with blood under my fingernails and blood on my clothes and pillow from scratching.  The bullet put out the fire but there were still burning embers and even though 90+ % gone it still persists.

So that was bad.  I was fighting pretty much all the time with my wife.  I turned to Jane for help and she was there.  I didn't want to come home because from the moment I got through the door she screamed at me and fought and stressed me.  Months of this and now my skin problems although somewhat under control were the least of my worries.  She had stressed me to the point that my heart was literally failing.  I felt it getting worse by the day.  I would lay in bed and instead of having my normal dreams about tying Jane up and ravaging her all night, I would feel each heartbeat though my chest as my heart struggled to beat.  It was so hard to sleep.  It was beating rapidly and would shake my body as I laid there trying to sleep and my chest would shake.  I had to find the best position and try to sleep where I didn't feel it as much.

I'd come home from work and she would fight and yell and stress me.  I'd instantly break out like before with my skin fucking things and get short or breath.  It kept getting worse.  I woke up and walked 20 feet from the bedroom to the kitchen and I felt like I ran a marathon.  Then it happened.  And go ahead and laugh but it was a wake up call.  I thought "God I need to exercise.  I am in horrible shape."

Then I woke up and my cock wasn't creating a tent under the covers from my devious dreams about Jane.  And I had zero stamina.  A limp dick and my heart is beating though my chest to move.  And more fighting from my wife.  Work is beyond stressful throughout this to add to everything.  So it was a Monday and I called into work.  I texted Jane and she was worried.  I had made an appointment with a cardiologist.  I had some serious stuff going on.  I told my wife I was going and nothing...She didn't ask how it went and I didn't tell her for days and she didn't care.  Jane was worried and crying the next day but I told her that I was going to get better.  That I wouldn't die and leave her.

Works really sucks throughout this and I have Jane to talk to BTW.  I remember the Tuesday after my cardiac appointment walking in to see her at lunch and she was so scared and crying.  I told her that I was fine.  OMG it was beyond heartbreaking seeing Jane cry like that!  And now I don't deserve an ounce of what she felt for me.

 

They schedule a stress test and I couldn't walk on the treadmill for 3 minutes.  Something was seriously wrong.  I am told to wear a heart monitor and all sorts of gear and wires making me look like a cyborg and feel like a piece of crap loser and weak.  

And fighting with my wife and work is hell and I'm behind more than ever and falling further behind by the day and the fighting with my wife is amping up more.  She is relentless and won't even let me through the door without putting me down.

So I do research and try to figure out how to fix my heart.  What naturally can help me.  Meanwhile my wife doesn't give a rat's ass and calls me a whiner and a baby about my heart.  But I start getting better.  The natural things are helping.

Then finances get out of control and I can no longer meet my bills.  I go back and forth on what to do.  I run the numbers...  I can't do it anymore.  I call a bankruptcy attorney.  I feel like a loser.  Believe me my wife reiterates that fact.  So I go forth with that because it is my last choice.  

So now I'm bankrupt.  OK.  Three things right.  We're done.  Bad things come in threes.  So now on top of the fighting I get to hear from my wife what a loser I am.  She is a piece of work.  But all done right.  Three and we're done.  

NOPE

I come home after fighting with her on the phone.  She wants a divorce.  Now my wife has nothing on any nightmare you can conjure up on a good day.  Now she's bitter and vindictive and out to fuck me and make me homeless or put me in jail because she wants more than I take home in child support and alimony and attorneys tell me this worse case scenario.  OK.  So now 4.  OK God.  It's more than I can handle but we're done right?  Please....

 

To say his is going to be a bitter divorce is like saying Hitler wasn't very friendly towards Jews.

So then I say it.  The words never to say.  Not to temp fate or god or the universe as Jane likes to say.  I ask "What next?  It can't get worse!" with the half-sarcastic attitude of bring it!  I've taken it all.  God do I regret those words!!  It's almost like God got a chuckle and said "Wanna bet?"

So I have a follow up cardiologist appointment and an ECG.  Guess what.  I have permanent and irreversible damage and high - like really HIGH blood pressure.  Like I'm not quite ready for surgery but if it gets worse I will need it immediately.  Do I have one heart problem.  No!  Two heart problems?  C'mon.  This is me.  I temped fate after all with my question.  You guessed it.  Three heart problems.

 

The doc wants to put me on meds.  Like insists!  So in my little natural research project I see the side affects of the meds, how they continue to need to up the dosage because you adapt, and then they need to put you meds to counteract the side affects.  Oh and my cock won't work.  Well my one reason to get out of bed in the morning - the chance that Jane and I might get together is out.  So I tell the doc no.  That I won't be taking meds.  He's not happy.  In fact he only agrees giving me a matter of weeks to get things in order and better or he's (in his words - I'd like to see him try) going to "make" me take the meds.  Yeah good luck doc.  I won't even say what was going through my mind.

 

My life is hell.  Work is hell.  My health sucks puss infected donkey balls.  My wife wants me DESTROYED!!!  Homeless.  I worry about my kids.  The affect this is having on them.  My son still loves me and I'm close to him thank God!!!  Jane loves me and I her!

I meet with an attorney.  One I had to pay for to have a consultation which I now find out is not a good sign.  What did I know?  So I sit down and run the numbers and our loves state dictates (if you let them screw you like this and not fight) that she'll be taking home almost 9 times what I will and I won't even have enough money for my car and gas to get to work let alone a roof over my hear or IDK food or a place take care of my kids.

Now I have a self-destructive streak in me.  I admit it.  So what do I do?  Do I embrace the one thing good in my life at the moment.  Or do I go out with my brother and get drunk and make a poor decision wanting to throw it all away maybe or just have every bad thing hit me at once?  You guessed it.  I was drunk.  It's not an excuse.  None of this is an excuse.  It was my decision.  Maybe many things were out of my control.  I can't control how my wife acts to me.  But I could have managed stress better and not let her get to me and developed heart problems and skin problems which are probably stress related too.  I could have been better with money.  Not like out of debt better but better.  

So what happened?  Happened to talk.  Innocent enough.  In my drunken state...depressed...maybe like I said wanting to lose it all at once I made a choice which broke both of our hearts.  I was in a dark place.  When what comes to mind (and I am not throwing this in your face at all baby) "Love?  Puh-leez!! I was/am well beyond  the doe-eyed innocence to think you need that(love) for a very satisfying sexual encounter.(and as much as I am still dismayed by the fact that I love Tripp, I don't know that it would necessarily stop me from seizing an opportunity, should one conveniently fall in my lap…call it what you will, but it is what it is.  Just sayin'…but I am also not  actively looking now either.)"

 

When you're in a dark place and all seems lost...hopeless...bad things and memories come to mind.  That was what popped into my head.  IDK why.  But it did.  

 

Maybe I was thinking that I was looking at losing everything!  I could lose my kids.  I was losing my wife (although YIPPEE! - LOL).  Losing my house...my health...ALL of my money.  Maybe my very freedom from reading divorce horror stories about father's going to jail because they can't live on a few hundred dollars a month.  What was left?  What good did I have?  What is the one thing left that I have good in my life that can hurt me more than I was already hurting.  Let's get it over with now and take all the pain at once so there's nothing left to lose - so nothing else you crush my heart.  I told you that I have a self-destructive streak in me.  I thought about losing Jane.  Why would she want me?  She probably has been with someone else since we've been together for this 4 years I told myself.  Remember that email that you saw...  After all she has had affairs before and you had not.  In fact I haven't even slept with my wife in probably over 2 years.  It has been Jane and me alone.  I don't believe that she has been with anyone else BTW.  This is just what was going through my drunken depressed mind as my world was crashing down around me.

None of this is an excuse.  There is no excuse.  I have been jealous regarding Jane over the years and know the pain she feels.  But I did this and that is what hurts the most!  That I did this to her.  I hurt her.  And I love her. I compounded my problems (and I BY NO MEANS am talking about the baby).  I will be there and take care of the baby and touch on this later.

I, because of what an awful marriage that my wife and I have / had, never felt guilty about being with Jane.  Not that I don't feel guilt - my god! I do.  

I felt guilty about Jane.  After I tried to warn her to leave me.  Saying because of the divorce (and partially very true).  But also because of what I did.  But I just couldn't leave her.  I love her deeply!  She would have to leave me and I deserved it!  I hurt her.  I felt very guilty.  

I ruined what we had.  I, at a very dark moment in my life (and I'm still there), threw away everything that Jane and I had.  It will never be the same.  I forever changed us. 

I have no idea what the future holds in terms of anything right now!  I only know that I love and always will love Jane.  I have every card that she ever gave me.  I have my smiley stress ball looking at me on my desk.  I have a Tigger and Pooh ornament on my desk (I'll let Jane explain that one).  I think of her every time I turn on the Walking Dead.  Everything is special to me because of her.  She gave me a letter yesterday with something in it.  I almost broke down instantly thinking it was the necklace I gave her and that she was getting rid of it and forgetting that I every existed.  That would hurt beyond words!!!  No matter what I want memories - wonderful memories of us to hold onto!  I am not asking for forgiveness because in all honesty I might not if the situation was reversed.  I am not asking her to forget.  I just love her and ALWAYS will.  She said that she didn't know if we'd be lovers again when I said that she's always be my lover.  I meant it goes way beyond sex.  I just simply love her!  No lack of sex or even seeing her will change the fact that I love her.