These Five Words Ring In My Head Scream…

…are we having fun yet?

The simple answer…no.

He gave up on us in a dark moment. 

He quit us.

That hurt. 

A lot.

It still does.

Rather than focus on the good, he opted to go about trying to break one of the good things he had going for him.

As I told him, “I am bruised, but not broken.  You don’t have the power to break me. You do not have dominion over me.”  And to an extent, I absolutely meant that when I said it to him.  I’d like to say my tears are a rarity, but they seem to have a mind of their own.  I have to avoid music, especially the iPod he gave to me as a gift—I filled with the music I love and much of which reminded me of, well, us.

When we began this little adventure, I don’t think he was looking for anything serious. Truthfully, neither was I.  We were both married; both had kids…families, lives well outside the realm of each other.  A long-term relationship seemed inconvenient, if not downright impossible.

But then, somewhere along the way, love happened.  For any of you who have been in that exhilarating fall into love, you understand the words inconvenient and impossible are only speed bumps on the road to happiness.  Hop in the 4x4 folks, we’re headed to the love shack…speed bumps? Hah!  We aren’t afraid of a few little bumps in the road! 

We were like Superman & Wonder Woman…him with his bulletproof chest, me with my lasso and bracelet cuffs.  We were invincible! What could possibly go wrong?  We threw caution to the wind—but not discretion, mind you.  We were in love, not idiots. (well, maybe we were idiots too—time will tell…).  We fell into this relationship like one falls into that most comfortable chair…we just were, and we fit comfortably into one and other in all ways.  We didn’t consciously decide for all this to happen.

He is one of the most loving and affectionate men I know.  He always held/holds my hand, held/holds me close…always.  He always had/has some sort of physical contact with me. If we were within sight distance, we were within touching distance.  Lunches together, chatting throughout our respective work days, and seeing each other whenever at all possible.  There were rarely times when we went more than a couple days without some form of contact.  Our days blended in such a manner that we were able to even contemplate building a life together.  We’d joke about it, so much so that I told him he’d have to leave the house when I had to poop.  OMG, how we laughed over such ridiculousness.  No one has ever made me laugh like he does & no one has ever made my heart feel so full that surely it would explode.  No one had ever made me feel so hopeful about life in general. 

That is a lot to admit.  I am one of the most glass half full people I know.  To have all of what encompassed US?  My glass was overflowing and I was beyond happy all the time.  Of course things weren’t perfect—we ARE human after all.  But we conquered so many things together that I thought we were unbeatable, unshakeable… unconquerable.  We were (are?) going to have it all. I wanted (want) a life with him.  Not necessarily marriage, but our own version of happily ever after.

We each had our own daily stresses, but I always knew that with this great love, with a love like ours…well, how could we NOT end up together?  I thought we had a commitment—no, I didn’t think it, I knew it. We had a couple rocky patches early on in our figuring out this love thing between us, but once we got over the fear of loving one another so completely, when we faced down this huge thing in front of us, we were all in. 

As it turned out, even great love can destroy hope and extinguish reason.  Thus my random outbursts of tears (God, will they never stop??).    Hope and reason did not stop the love of my life from going to a dark place and utterly decimating all that was good in the world as I saw it.  It’s only been a few days since the bomb was dropped in my lap, so it’s still very fresh and very raw.  And if I think on it too long, the soul crushing, breathtaking and devastating pain roll over me in such a manner that it’s almost as if I have vertigo.  

And then I puke.  

Yay puke.  

Not so much.  

Diet by devastation is not a fun way to lose weight.  

I'm alright though, it only hurts when I breathe. 

Just sayin’…

Heartbreak isn’t like Trix….it’s not just for kids, my friends.  I expect it happens to us all at some point.  I thought I had experienced it earlier in my life, but I was wrong.  God, how I was wrong.  My heart was blown up by a personally delivered hand-grenade of rejection.  He will say that’s not what it was at all.  And maybe it wasn’t.  I can tell you though, in my heart of hearts, I know I am a worthy person and my confidence in myself is unwavering.  But in the dark corners of my mind?  All I hear is, “not good enough, not pretty enough, not worth enough…”  How our brain likes to torment us further when we are at our absolute worst, rock bottom moment.

When things break, we all have a tendency to want to fix them. There comes a point, though, when I may have to put myself first (a difficult and unusual feeling for me). I may have to take those first steps toward making my own way, on MY terms. I have to know when to make my own heart the priority. I am grappling with so many things right now.  I know I need to love myself enough to come to terms with the possibility that done might very well be done.  But until I know, I don’t know.  Again, time will tell.  I know in my heart of hearts that, ultimately, everything will be okay.  Everything will work out just as it is destined to.

Right now, I am trying to be gentle with myself (tough for a type A Capricorn, let me tell you!).  I have to be, as I go through this great heartbreak, this betrayal of everything I believed we had.  I HAVE to stop playing the “if only I were better or gave more or needed less” game. It serves no purpose, wastes valuable energy and does nothing but make me feel worse.

The fact is Tripp loves me for me. Not a better me, not less me, not the what can she give me? me. Had I been “better” or needed “less,” or gave “more”, we would have been in a different relationship altogether and most likely would have never shared what we did in the first place. 

I am working on forgiveness.  The waiting is not the hardest part (Sorry Tom Petty, but it ain’t!)…forgiveness is the hardest part.  Forgiving myself for what I did or didn’t say along the way, and for anything I may have been lacking in that he needed.  Forgiving him for the shitstorm he brought down upon what was once a spectacularly obvious love.  People just knew there was this great love between us, it radiates off us like rays of warm sunshine.  

I understand his poor choices were not from a place of maliciousness, so I guess I am sort of on a path towards forgiveness.  I told him I could forgive most everything because we are human and we all make mistakes, that I could accept that there is a child of his coming into this world—that I could love this child like I do his other kids if only because they are a part of HIM.  It’s just how my heart operates.  But I would never be able to get past, or forgive, it if he chooses to play house with a stranger.  I know me and I know it would never happen.

I told him that wasn’t any sort of ultimatum.  It is just the truth of the matter.  Just as is the fact that I still love him, and I will do so always.  This isn’t an insurmountable obstacle. Yes, it’s by far the greatest challenge we have faced, both as individuals and as a couple but, one I truly believe can be dealt with and overcome. He holds my heart and soul in his hands.

“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.”   I don’t operate like this.  I’m willing to brave the hurt because I know we’re worth the fight.  He has to know it too though. This is not a go it alone fight. This is not a partner-less battle.  I need my person, my go to, my best friend to be with me in this. 

All in, like always.

Who knows?

As for me, hope floats.

Always.

(thank you for the reminder Advizor...)

Never made it as a wise man

I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing

Tired of living like a blind man

I'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling

And this is how you remind me

This is how you remind me

Of what I really am

This is how you remind me

Of what I really am

It's not like you to say sorry

I was waiting on a different story

This time I'm mistaken

For handing you a heart worth breaking

And I've been wrong, I've been down,

Been to the bottom of every bottle

These five words in my head

Scream "are we having fun yet?"

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no

It's not like you didn't know that

I said I love you and I swear I still do

And it must have been so bad

Cause living with me must have damn near killed you

And this is how, you remind me

Of what I really am

This is how, you remind me

Of what I really am

It's not like you to say sorry

I was waiting on a different story

This time I'm mistaken

For handing you a heart worth breaking

And I've been wrong, I've been down,

Been to the bottom of every bottle

These five words in my head

Scream "are we having fun yet?"

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no

Never made it as a wise man

I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing

And this is how you remind me

This is how you remind me

This is how you remind me

Of what I really am

This is how you remind me

Of what I really am

It's not like you to say sorry

I was waiting on a different story

This time I'm mistaken

For handing you a heart worth breaking

And I've been wrong, I've been down,

Been to the bottom of every bottle

These five words in my head

Scream "are we having fun yet?"

For what it's worth Tripp, I do love you & 

meant every word of our conversation last night.  

Every. 

Single. 

Word.

You have my heart--be gentle with it.  

It's quite fragile at the moment.

♥