I Used to Have a Blog...

...and I used to have a boyfriend.

A best friend.

A love of my life.

Now.

Now I have a friend...

I'm trying to anyhow.

Four years plus, shit away by a one night stand.

I am incredibly angry.

And hurt beyond anything I thought possible.

Devastated is but a word.

Heartbroken, to be sure.

But I am trying to be a friend to him right now.

Because he needs one desperately.

(And maybe because I am also a bit of a dumb ass)

How can I compete with a baby on the way?

His.

Not mine, not ours.

Nothing is "ours" anymore.

I had an inkling long before he told me (not about a baby on the way--but that he was with someone--dammit why don't i trust my gut?!?!), but I set it aside as my own concerns over other things he had going on. (guess I didn't want to believe old faithful tummy...stupid me).

I am almost tempted to believe he did this to take the cowards way out.

Why didn't he tell me sooner than now?

His reason?

He didn't want to lose me.

Well, the minute he stuck his cock into some strange and conceived a child, yeah--I am pretty motherfucking lost to pretty much everyone and everything right now.  And to try to justify it with alcohol ("I was drunk") and some shit I wrote forever ago (and obtw, I would have deleted it if I thought for a second it would contribute to his fucking ripping my heart out and killing me) and being bummed over certain circumstances, and us not having been together for quite some time.  Yeah--because I've been with NOBODY DURING THAT SAME TIME AND DIDN'T GO FUCKING SCREW SOME RANDOM FUCK, or my husband for that fucking matter.

Oh yeah--the "oh its okay--I can't get pregnant so don't worry about a condom"...hook, line and sinker...you're sunk dude.  Let's set aside that little tidbit and say its true.  How about STD's you ass-hole?!?!?!  Would you have fucked me after, given the opportunity?  Given me no fucking choice because you loooooove me so much and didn't want to lose me?  Because we were bare-backing it for a loooong time?  "Gee honey, let me start using condoms again after years of not..."

Yup--apparently he thinks I am a dumb ass too or his regard for himself and his penis outweighed what he professed as his love for me.  I keep thinking maybe, just maybe, we had something going for us.  This great love,,,like seriously love of my life love.  All I did was open myself up to be fucking ruined by my stupid heart.

Well, we all get what we deserve in this life.

He got his, and I got mine.

I said some hurtful things in anger...I also am trying to forgive because impotent anger and rage are soul-sucking negatives that I can't have in my life right now .  Not ever, but right now is particularly issue laden aside from this shitfest I am in...my stupid uterus is trying to finish the job he started--I think I have a precognitive uterus--it knew before I did.  How's that for dumbassery?? I dumber than a sick uterus...yay me!

As I read back over the message--I literally screamed at him (you know the deal...ALL CAPS) to stop, that this wasn't a texting conversation...he just kept going.  So i logged off.  Then I proceeded to puke my guts up...and then logged back on to tell him to meet me.  Goddamn it, he was going to fucking see my devastation.  I am probably fortunate I didn't get in a wreck--its never good to drive under those conditions.

So I pull up and park at one of our usual places.

From the second I saw his car...then him.

I don't do rage, or hatred, or heartbreak well at all.

But cry--oh I am a mother-fucking EXPERT at crying.

I can't even remember half of what we discussed.  What literally knocked the breath right out of me was the admission that the one night stand with baby utterly wiped out anything and everything.  The question, "So are we done?" was not answered in anything but a very pregnant pause....and that, THAT was all I had to hear.  Armor is being polished to put back around what's left of my heart.  I am working on forgiveness still...it comes and goes.  So does anger...

So what remains?

Love.

Always love.

And it will always be as such.

Stay tuned....I am sure my psychotic ramblings will vacillate between the two extremes until I figure out how to wrap my head around it all...if I even can.  And yes--I completely understand that we're both cheaters so why be surprised...I guess because everyone always believes they're different, and special...Commence with the beating--I can take it.

I miss my old friend Adulterous Letch, but I am kinda glad he's not here to tell me I told you so kinda like I told him way back when.

You were right D...you were right.