Healing, like forgiveness, is a process. I am giving myself the time I need to do this
and with each revelation, or in spite of them, I find myself still hopeful and excited for what the
future has in store. I am a long way from
where I was, but nowhere near where I am going to be. You have to be courageous to forgive not only
others, but yourself as well. You have to be just as brave to allow yourself
to heal. I am a warrior. Always have been, always will be. Sometimes I have to dig deep to find that
warrior spark, but it is always with me.
No wallowing in the muck of crappy circumstances—I am choosing joy,
happiness and bravery over all things.
I am considered, by most people who know me, ever the
optimist. I am with good reason though,
because even in the midst of horrible shit happening, there is always the
knowledge that it will pass. (Hush, Tripp—you know I am right, even if you don’t
see it right now…) It always has been,
and I have no reason to believe it will be any different. I am finding my joy coming back to the
forefront again. Where happiness comes
and goes based on circumstances, joy is an innate part of which one is. You have it, or you don’t.
I do.
Buckets full, even.
It helps. Especially when one is an obstinate, pig-headed
mule who latches on like a bulldog when she is certain about something. When I know I am right, I am dauntless. All arguments are, therefore, invalid.
Just sayin’…
Tripp and I met for lunch yesterday. It felt like old times
for the most part. Again with the
obvious love thing—the woman behind the counter commented on it when I was being
a little silly and making Tripp wait to hear the news I had. I know I am not crazy, and I know it’s
obvious to people around us. I did tell
her I do indeed love him. People just can't help but smile at us--we're just that damn cute.
We have met several times since everything came to a head,
but yesterday…it was the first day I didn’t cry. Previously, I would be okay, then cry, be
okay, and cry again whenever we were together.
And usually cry as I would turn and watch him walk up the hill alone (so
much symbolism in that image—killed me every time). But yesterday, not a single sad tear. I don’t
know, for some reason the universe was putting out little glimmers of
hope. Totally unexpected and very much
needed signs that everything will indeed be okay.
Who am I to argue with the entirety of the universe?
So, universe—I am seeing those signs, reading them well, and
acting upon them. Let’s keep this
forward motion going! I will apologize
for all the times I whined about how horrible you were and thank you for
reminding me there is always hope.
And understanding.
And love.
Now can you sprinkle some of that glimmery stuff on Tripp?
He needs reminding from someone besides me.
Thanks.
There is a light at the end of an 18-year tunnel of child support payments. And actually there is no end to that tunnel. Our children are ours forever. He will forever be tied to this person and the mother and no matter what other stories he writes for himself, there will always be a tinge of these others on every page.
ReplyDeleteOne can sincerely hope that the story of this child is a happy one, one that adds to the larger narrative and allows Tripp to enjoy parenthood in a new way, but, he has put his life, his happiness, and a large chunk of his paycheck into the hands of a woman of unknown stability and endless need.
I am glad you are feeling hopeful, you should feel that way. You are free. Yes, you feel a great loss and betrayal, yet you are free. Free to leave. to love another, to make a different ending to an unhappy tale, while he as given up that freedom in exchange for a moment's unprotected pleasure.
He may find his hope again,but it may take longer, so don't wish for too much right now. He's still taking stock of the Reality Fairie's parting gift.
I understood the implications of his being tied to the two women of his children from the instant he told me. I have kids, I understand kids are forever. I completely GET that and were he a different man, we wouldn't have made it as far as we did. I respect the decision, I just don't understand how it can be made until it is unequivocally proven to, in fact, be his child. I am not saying it isn't, but my insane frustration is that he is just accepting that it is a fact before he knows. People lie, for whatever reason, people lie. I cannot IMAGINE the heartbreak if, at the end of this, a paternity test shows different. I love his kids, and I would love this one too. Again, just how my heart operates.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I do truly hope that this child has a happy life, regardless of the circumstances surrounding his conception. Every child deserves that much. I just know that, in spite of it all, I am still just as willing to step up as I was at the moment my heart forgave and accepted everything that happened. So, if they decide to make a go of it, yes--it will hurt, but I can only hope he finds absolution in doing what he believes is the right thing.
Until then though, I don't know what I don't know. Until I do,well...all I have is time. He really still is my best friend, my go to...my person. He will always be those to me.
Reality Faerie is a bitch...just sayin' :-P