I guess I am wordy

No one in this world is perfect.  I know that I am not and Jane you probably know more than anyone that I am not.  Yet you still love me - flaws and all.  No one is perfect, but sometimes you find with someone something so wonderful and you mesh so well with someone that you swear they are.  But more accurately that person seems perfect for you.  Or at least as perfect as anything in this world gets.  Your personalities and even flaws go together so well that everything just seems right when you're together.

Now I won't lie and I'm plenty embarrassed saying this.  Big ol Tripp did stress it.  I felt sick.  I couldn't eat and felt like I would throw up if I even tried.  My heart felt like it was in my throat and was pounding out of my chest and not in a good way at all.  I did try to ignore or at least forget about it but I couldn't.  I just care  way too much!!  It was eating me alive.  And to be honest, it did really hurt me.  It's not easy to admit that you're vulnerable like that.  I tried not to think the worst.  I knew that I wouldn't be able to sleep a wink that night, so I did finally mention it.

Jane explained it to me and the thing is that I understood perfectly.  The truth is that I felt that way too.  Honestly not in quite a while, and I'll explain why, but a ways back I did feel the same freak out coming on.  It scared me giving my heart over so completely to someone.  Making myself vulnerable like that.  Vulnerable to be hurt so deeply.  Now don't go thinkin' I'm all soft and junk.  Jane will tell you I'm tough(ish) – LOL.  Don't even think about pouting baby:-P

I did not however act on those freak out moments.  I guess I thought about how I was acting silly and thought about how happy I was with Jane.  I realized my thoughts for what they were.  I was afraid.  And I was afraid because of how much I love Jane.  It scared me.  It scared me to think of how I'd be hurt and how I'd feel without her.  I didn't want to throw away what we had based on my own fear though.  I felt like it was self-destructive.  More importantly I pictured Jane's face and I could never hurt her like that and I couldn't forgive myself for doing so.  I did however understand because the same thoughts crossed my mind.

Not being able to see you the day after was just brutal!  As Jane put it, she just wanted to be reassured.  But as fate would have it, we were not able to see each other Friday.  We had to reassure each other through emailing and IMing.  So much is lost in the written word alone at times like that.

Thankfully we were able to see each other Saturday for probably almost 4 hours.  God how the time flew though!  Almost as soon as the door swung open, Jane was in arms, snuggled against my chest.  I had already forgiven her, but I really needed to hold her.

God how we laughed…had fun…made love…  We always have an amazing time and it's impossible not to be happy when we're together.  I was indeed "tortured" as well which led to a giggle fit that lasted seemingly forever.

I guess I wasn't fine all day.  I missed Jane very much almost from the moment that we left each other.  I may have mentioned that to you a time or two as I headed home – LOL.  It was hard to think of much else for some reason Saturday.  I always miss you when we're apart as well baby!

So….  Date night.  I tried to make it a nice night out.  I asked if the wife would like to see a movie as well as get dinner out.  She said that she had no idea what movies were out, so I picked the movie and as we headed out with my parents babysitting my two awesome kids, I told her that she should pick the restaurant since it was our little Valentine's Day celebration and all.  This was so ironic that you couldn't make this stuff up. 
She picked….ready……..the very restaurant where Jane and I had our first date.  I could hardly say no since I told her that she could pick for fear of raising some suspicion, so we went there.  I think I even parked right around where I parked the first night that we met in person (give or take a parking space).  We walked in and we were seated directly in the line of sight and diagonal from the very table where  Jane and I sat that night.  I was indeed in all honesty very much missing Jane.  As the universe likes to do, it was reminding me of her.

I try to make things work with my wife for the sake of my kids who are BTW my life.  And it's not that I don't love my wife either.  I tried holding her hand during dinner and having a good time, but she was growing more and more annoyed at the slow service.  It was crowded and a party of 30 was seated shortly before we arrived.  I tried to have a good time just enjoying being out without the kids but as her frustration usually does, got aimed towards me.  Somehow I got blamed for the slow service.  I was tempted to remind her that it was her choice and that it really wasn't ALL my fault that service was slow, but bit my tongue not wanting to be drawn into an argument and totally ruining the night.  She hated her dinner.  I tried it and while not the best steak I've ever had was good and I thought our appetizers were great. 

By the time we got the check the movie was about to start so in all fairness we were a bit rushed.  As it turned out however, we entered the theater just down the road right as the movie started not missing an opening credit.  Twenty minutes of previews can be a good thing.  So we sit down and not 10 minutes into the movie (I'm again trying to hold her hand during the movie) she complains "OMG that rattling is driving me crazy." as she shakes her hand free of mine.  There was a slight rattling noise in the theater vent high above us.  I hadn't noticed and was just trying to relax and enjoy the movie.  I'm pretty sure that the other patrons found her complaining about the annoying rattling more annoying and noticeable than the rattling itself. 

To give everyone a little background insight, my wife was used to getting her own way growing up and earned the nickname "The Golden Princess."  Apparently just being a princess wasn't good enough – LOL.  However, as often happens, those who are given everything rarely appreciate anything (or anyone for that matter).  She is not however a horrible mother and saying so (with few exceptions) would be a lie.   She HATED the movie and had no qualms about telling me so.  I actually enjoyed it for the simple reason that the main character had many qualities which reminded me of myself.  Maybe I see why she hated it – LOL.  I tried.  Sometimes I feel like I'm banging my head against a wall.  Maybe….maybe it is what it is.  During a few romantic flashback scenes in the movie, I did indeed think of Jane.  The girl that I was with seemed to want to be anywhere but with me.  It's not always that way with my wife, but often enough.

The best part of my night was talking with you Jane.  My parents were chatty and stayed late.  I escaped to the bathroom to send her a message so she knew that I didn't forget about her (like I ever could – puhleeze!).  My wife usually goes to bed much earlier that I do because of her job and was exhausted and grumpy.  Ya see.  I apparently made the service slow and put something in the vents to rattle just to piss her off:-P  After a slam of the bedroom door (yes, she was that pissed about the night), I fired up my phone.

I was very glad that Jane told me how she was feeling.  The truth is, I missed her fiercely.  I always do.  I guess I missed being with someone that actually likes being with me – I know weird right?  It truly was the best part of my night.  We chatted until the wee hours of the night and I told you and meant it that you always can.  I'll be tired and that's OK.  I'll chat as long as you like.

I also feel like all is right in the world when we're together.  I feel whole and like I can be the real me.  The happy me:) Just sayin'.

So today, I'm asking: "Will you be my Valentine?"