And here you thought I was perfect...

So I fucked up. 

Not irreparably, thank God. 

But it just goes to prove how the universe indeed loves to toy with my life.

On the very day I give Tripp the log in creds so he can post here whenever he’d like, I get an email from one of “those” sites and he saw it. 

And stressed it.

And tried to ignore it.

But couldn’t.

Then, in the course of our evening chat, “confessed” that he saw it and told me HE felt bad about it. Just…Ugh…he didn’t do anything wrong and it was sweet of him to try and take the responsibility. 

But it was mine to bear.

And I fully accepted it. And apologized for hurting him like that.

It had been 6+ months since I went on to the site, and even then, it wasn’t to scope out a new prospect…I was (and am) very happy with Tripp and what we have.  I didn’t even remember the log in to delete the account! (…which I did while we were chatting…after requesting a log-in reminder email)

Anyhow, instead of just accepting that I was vulnerable and thus capable of being hurt by him, I did what I do really well.  I freaked out and I ran (not literally, of course) to avoid confronting what I was feeling at the time.  Crazy girl brain can do some messed up stuff sometimes.

Just sayin’.

Anyhow, we had a very long discussion about the why and cleared up some things…and I promised to do my best to talk to him when crazy girl brain tries to take over.

Which it did.

We weren’t able to see each other the day following this intense discussion, although we agreed we really needed to because for as much as can be said with the written word, there is still something lost in the translation/interpretation that only hearing the words can convey.  I just wanted to hug him and hold his hand and talk about this stuff face to face…it seemed to be the grown up thing to do.

So it was two days later before we could get together.  And it just happened to be on the day he and his wife would be going out (in the evening) to celebrate Valentine’s Day.  We spent several hours together that morning though and just really confirmed that things were okay with us.

My God how we laughed…probably not any more so than when we had just finished an amazing round of doggy.  He was still behind me (and in me) when I moved a little and he made “that” noise (he knows the noise I mean).  It made me giggle a little, which apparently made me move just enough to again elicit “that” noise…it’s the noise he makes when he is in a hypersensitive, post-coital state…which then made me just seriously break out in peals of laughter til I collapsed onto the bed and in doing so, released his poor, abused cock from its “torture”.

Anyhow, all the sex and talking stuff aside, it came time for us to say our good-byes.  They’re never easy, but they are inevitable.  I headed off to finish my errands and he headed home.

I was fine all day. 

Sure, I missed him.  I ALWAYS do when we’re apart. 

But my God, about the time I knew they were off to do their date night, I suddenly had girl brain crazy trying to get the best of me.  (No…I didn’t go set up a new account anywhere sillies) I was fortunate enough to have the house to myself that night, so I didn’t have to put on a happy face for anyone, but in a way, it would have been better if I did have someone there to keep my mind off their “date”.

He shot off a quick message to me that he’d be on later as his folks were still at his house.

So I waited.

And we finally chatted (again into the wee hours…).

I told him how I was feeling. 

Admitted to really being envious of her (not a normal thing for me) and really hating the fact that she just couldn’t see that he was trying and just freakin’ enjoy herself.  How I’d practically give my right arm to have traded places with her, if only for that one night.  And really, just the whole circle of emotions was out of the ordinary for me so I was struggling with it and how to express it. He is not rightfully mine and I am not entitled to what she gets from him.  Logically my brain knows this, but my heart never does much listen to my head.  

After venting to him and just putting it all out there, I felt tons better and the anger and envy just went away…but it doesn’t change the fact that I would, given my druthers, spend every waking moment I possibly could with him.  I just….I dunno…just really feel all is right with the world when we’re together.

I always have.

And for as long as we last, I expect I always will.

Just sayin’.