Just Jane: Love Just Shouldn't...

ALL THE FOLLOWING WAS WRITTEN SOMETIME IN 2016 I THINK...AND ADDED TO IN 2017...So much has changed since I wrote ANY of these recently posted thoughts...I remember the pain, but not always the circumstances that led me to write them...the parenthetical before the actual post here though, I remember it as if it were yesterday...

( so the carnage continues with posts I never hoped to publish...but I expect any kind of catharsis will come at a high cost...what's it matter now though? What's done is done...it is what it is till it ain't no more...guess it ain't no more since a man and a bar whore got married. I expect this will be my final post for a good long while...if not forever. Feel free to leave your congrats to the newly joined couple...let's lift a toast to their ongoing happiness)

And so it goes...

Love shouldn’t feel hopeless, because it’s never is...there were times though, when I skirted the edge of hopelessness.

Does that mean I didn’t love him, in those moments?

Of course not!

In love, a pair can be down, but never knocked out…

Love should make all things possible, even if they aren’t necessarily looking good today…but I couldn’t hold us together on my own.

I just was not strong enough to carry us both indefinitely.

HE gave up on us.
(A reality he continues to deny to this day).

There's nothing I can do with that.

I love him and he loves me & we will prevail

–as individuals–

but together, sadly, as a couple we will not.

Love shouldn’t have ever felt like we would not…

At the end of the day, I had to admit there was really nothing left to salvage, even though I felt like we could still have made it work, it was in nobody’s best and healthy interests to do so.

Least of all mine.

Or letting go of hope, no matter how false one knows this hope to be.

Tripp?

Yeah, he made his choices.

(~I believe my term to him was “you're a fucking idiot”~)

I have to accept his choices and just…say "no more".

No more being the 2^nd choice, the conveniently forgotten one, the purposely denied one, the always expendable one, the collateral damage one, the optional one, the "here's some scraps" one, the "I make time for you... I have an hour for lunch. See? I do make time for you" one, or any other litany of excuses/reasons/choices.

I'm sick of the reasons, actually sick of the excuses, that he calls reasons for his actions & poor choices.

The idea of moving on seems unfathomable.

We’d invested years.

We still love each other

We still laugh together

& my God, we've hurt each other

(Hey--You finally "won" one Tripp, and I didn't even have to "let" you... you should be proud...)

And we’ve grown together.

He was damn near everything to me.

The "other stuff" (a.k.a. the pregnant dirty bar whore) kicked the living shit out of what was "us" and brought in the overwhelming doubt.

He could tell me the sky is blue and I will look up to verify it for myself now. Before HIS "dark moment", I would have NEVER questioned anything he said.

Now though?

Every single word is suspect.

Every.

Single.

Fucking.

One.

I hate that the most, I think.

And I wish I could, in fact, hate him.

It would hurt so much less.

How can I possibly let go when my ME was so intimately wrapped in US?

A friend said I talk about our relationship as if we were married with kids.

She told me he would eventually realize and be sorrier than he ever thought possible once he understands fully what he truly lost.

That he just hasn't yet.

And that he won’t truly understand until I am long gone and it's well past too late.

To stop worrying about him and his shitstorm…that it’s not part of MY story any more.

That he shouldn't be a part of MY story anymore.

To remember HE did this to a heart that was completely true to him
& then tried to justify it with some bullshit excuse when he got caught.

To remember what an incredible person I am.

She told me I didn’t have to make it work and that it seemed that the only reason we were making the attempt at holding on was really for nothing more than avoiding the pain of letting go.

OUCH.

Mother fuck did that ever hurt!

Truth has a nasty little bite to it, doesn’t it?

Letting go doesn't mean I don't love him anymore. It's simply realizing that the only person I truly have control over is myself.

It’s hard to wrap my head around the idea that loving him means letting him go.

We could have fixed things—made things work.

I know this with every fiber of my being.

I still love him deeply,

but I also know that the relationship as I knew it

was & is irrevocably and irretrievably…

Altered.

He did that.

To us.

To me.

Tainted what we had.

And I'm NOT okay with that.

So, as incredibly difficult as it will be, moving on is the best way to show myself that I love
myself enough.

If I don’t, no one else will.

I have to be the strong one.

I have to choose me.

One of us has to make the right choice...since he made his

(& we see where his choices got him when he started making them exclusive of me--just sayin')

I will choose me.

And I will thrive.

I’m just so tired of continually having the same discussions; continually feeling like I’m not any kind of, I dunno...priority I guess, and that feeling just re-opens the door to the same fierce, devastating agony and barely scabbed over wound...

It makes me realize the pain will only truly heal with time and space...

*snip* *snip*

Time to get off the hamster wheel…

…off the carousel

…and off the roller coaster.

It’s no fun anymore.

I fought & I fought hard.

I am the only one who gets to cry here...he never fought FOR me, or for us. I entered the ring ready for battle, to fight for us... He never even tied his shoes or looked for gloves.

I was there when he was hit rock bottom--standing next to him, holding my hand out to help him up.

Through all this shit I was there...

Even as I was going through my own...

But…it didn't (and doesn't) matter.

The small knowing voice inside me that said something isn’t right and it can’t be fixed has been screaming at me for ages, of course my stubborn self wasn’t going to listen.

Listening to that voice meant losing and I HATE to lose.

Especially to a dirty fucking bar whore.

That is what she will ALWAYS be.

(yeah—I still have some anger issues as a result of all this—

I’m in therapy and working my shit out—

Seriously, I am…Just sayin’…)

I am utterly indifferent to her though, quite honestly--I just find her to be a distasteful, hypocritical, weak human being--he was vulnerable, the bar whore took advantage (that's not to minimize his part in it all though--he too was weak and he still fucked the nasty--he doesn't get a pass on that).

To my complete surprise, my therapist finds this view quite healthy... Wow... I'm pretty normal in that regard... Who'd have thunk it?

As scary as this ending may be, it makes room for new beginnings and new opportunities that are out there to lift me up and not leave me feeling less than...like his fucking a filthy bar whore stranger did…who wouldn't feel less than after that?

He'll say he chose his child not the bar whore
(if indeed it is , in fact, his kid--I doubt I'll ever truly know since no paternity test is forthcoming--broken promises and blind acceptance = sheer stupidity--just saying),
--but he did choose the whore--
and I get that its kind of a package deal, but at the end of the day-
-he'll have tossed us away for nothing-
-and he knows this to be a fact...

broken promises...
check.
sorries...
check check check...fucking ad nauseam check
just saying.

No new love for me. I'm not entrusting my heart to anyone new again.

Period.

That doesn't mean no love though...I'm not that cynical after all.

That was probably the worst thing ever--to be utterly betrayed by the one person who you trusted with everything--the good and the bad--and I doubt I will ever recover enough to trust another in the same way.

I just can't...

and I won't.

I'm done lying and completely done being his dirty little secret--God forbid the truth be known. If I am asked, I will answer honestly. I don't think that honesty regarding us will be reciprocated or very much appreciated.

Let's hope I'm never found out and brought before a court of law regarding us either.

I will not lie.

I finally found the courage to be honest with myself and admit that our being together will do me more harm than good...

Him though?

He'd have come out much better with me, but this isn't about him and me anymore...if it ever really was since he dipped his dick in the dirty bar whore.

If we were "meant to be" together, we would be together. It's not something that should have to be figured out.

We either are or we aren't...and as it is, we aren't.

And we won't be.

That's all there is to it.

I had to be the one to admit this to myself—I couldn't accept it until I did.

If he really wanted to be here, and with me, he would have been.

Not on the down-low, not sneaking off to the bathroom to send a quick message, not “I went to the store” or “working late” excuses, and most importantly…

No more lies.

He can't tell anyone the truth about me and if he did, what difference would it make?

The annihilation has already taken place.

So his lies have to continue.

He would choose us if he REALLY wanted us.

He would have chosen us if he actually wanted us.

It’s really quite that fucking simple.

His fear crippled him and utterly decimated us.

That's completely on his head.

Fear based decisions are rarely the right ones...just sayin'.

So.

I am the only one who can change my life for the better by finding the strength to walk away...

‘Cause, yeah—it’s about ME, MYSELF, & I now.

I've found my self-worth and self-respect.

I truly am my own rock.

I must be--at one point he said I'm somehow "harder" now...uhm--okaaay...

again, let me fucking rip the rug out from under you,

lie to you & betray you in the same manner

and see if you don't become "harder"...

I prefer to call it finding my strength, thank you very much...and learning I am the only one I can truly count on in this life.

And that is exactly what he couldn't handle, I think... Me being able to make it on my own, the strength, sanity and independence.

I've proven myself more than capable.

And this, Tripp…this is why I kept telling you to stop saying sorry…

You professed to love me soooooooo much?

To need me soooooooo much?

You would have chosen me then.

Period.

Then you would have made real time for me...

Period.

Been in an open, honest relationship with me...

Period.

Held my hand walking back to work after lunch,

put your arm around me in public

you get the idea.

You couldn't and you never will be able to.

So.

It's all just words anymore...

the truth, the lies...just words

they're all just words & meaningless ones at that...

~truth~

The half-truths and lies you tell in the moment to make things "easier" are going to come back to bite you in the ass. You don't believe me when I say 'get ahead of your shit'--well sweetheart, then your shit is going to get ahead of you...be ready for that; you've seen it in action so many times already.

Anyhow, if you wanted me to write all lovey dovey about you, perhaps you should have behaved a tad bit better, had a little more RESPECT for me and our relationship, instead of defiling it by fucking a dirty bar whore and lying to me and blaming it on your "self-destructive streak".

(a lie of omission is still a lie...or letting me continue to believe something you knew not to be true is still a lie...or trying to scare me off by using your crazy going to be ex-wife as an excuse after you fucked the nasty whore, which BTW was a lie of commission...shall I go on explaining

what constitutes a lie?)

You. Fucking. LIED. To. Me.

You gave not one shitty thought (or any thought for that matter) about me that fateful night

I've heard it said that God sometimes uses circumstances to remove people from your life to protect you--and not to run after them. That he doesn't give you the strength to get back up to chase after what knocked you down in the first place. I never used to believe something so ambiguous, but now that I've lived through this insanity and am surviving & am honestly finding the essential me again, I am beginning to believe this is exactly what this was and exactly what had to happen in order for this to reach it's sad and unforeseen conclusion.

I'm done running after & trying to fix what Tripp broke.

That responsibility is not mine--I didn't do this to us.

If anyone asks about me (but why would they. ..I'm a fucking ghost, the denied by him to all in his world) and he thinks about everything we were, I expect it will hit him like a ton of bricks, and he'll remember this simple truth:

I loved him more than anyone else and he ALMOST destroyed me.

Some chapters in the book of life have to close without closure--and I can't continue to lose myself by trying to fix what's meant to stay broken.

The pain of letting go, I am realizing, is nothing compared to the pain of holding on.

So.

It's really time to just let it all go.

To let him go.

Completely.

This struggle to let go, it's gone miles deep into my psyche and has affected me profoundly.

I mean I'm in therapy over his shitstorm, for fuck's sake!

But I am stronger than these circumstances.

I always have been.

I have been blessed to have had this love.

Now though?

I have mostly forgiven him (and that may be the best I can do), & of course I still love him...but I no longer look at him in the same way that I used to.

Superman has fallen.

So now...

What I focus on will to show up in my life.

If I look for pain and struggle in the world, I will see more of that.

If I search for heartache and loss, I will find that.

If I keep focused on doing what I love,

spend time with people I love & who love me back,

who make the time for me the same way I do for them,

and engage in activities I truly enjoy,

I will be in a much better place much faster.

"I" choose me.

This is MY choice.

And it's a great choice, if I do say so myself.

I will be better than "good"

( he says he knows I'll be okay, that I'll be 'good'...)

Hah!

I was a sad bitch... Now I am on to being the badass bitch I was before all the baby mama bar whore drama.

I'm going to be unrecognizable by the time I'm done.

I will end up amazing...

Because me?

Yeah, I am more than worth it.