And a Heartfelt Thank You... Another ancient post from sometime in 2016

I keep telling myself I am finished wasting my energy...

That I am done pretending...

That I am so over continually being let down.

And that I am done giving second chances.

* sigh *

It's definitely NOT easy--knowing that I continue to lie to myself.

Especially while I am trying to taking my heart back.

It.

Is.

Mine.

I'm the ONLY one I can trust with it.

I don't want to settle...

I absolutely won't settle 

for being anyone's :

Downtime,

Spare time,

Part time,

When I have time,

Some time,

OR

Reason to lie.

If someone can't be there for me ALL the time,

(not that I necessarily need that...)

 or when I need someone here the most,

Then they should no longer be 

worth my time.

Right?

So.

How do I go about taking my precious time back? 

And my heart? 

There have been a lot of one day at a times 

(and probably even more getting through "one second"s at a time) 

that have come and gone in this past couple of years plus, 

and I realize that

But how do I? 

After 7+ years?

For real...

Upon occasion, thinking about a particular incident, 

I find a resolve, a steeling of my heart if you will

And it was a stupid fucking ringtone 

that FINALLY slapped that realization into my brain-

-cold, hard, and fast.

-that I am just breaking my heart over and over-

That I am ALLOWING myself to keep

exposing myself to this devastation.

In that very split second of time, 

I felt my heart break for what I thought was the last time...

(But an "I got engaged this weekend" announcement and a "getting married  this weekend" and finally, a "she said she loves me"  proved THAT little tidbit wrong...it was, in fact, possible to break me even further....who fuckin' knew?)

Anyhow, back to what i was saying...

In that very split second of time, 

I told myself "no more"

In that very split second, 

time stood completely still & 

I just let myself really feel the pain,

just acknowledge and feel the pain

(Oh my God, the intensity of the pain...

revisited & renewed...

 as if it were the same day 

he told me about the filthy bar whore)

It know was etched on my face, clear as day.

It's time to heal myself.

For me.

And for him.

And now, 

there's this:

I have some of the best people in my life--

they remind me that I am 

so much stronger

and better

than I ever give myself credit for.

They love me without condition, 

without stipulations,

without bullshit and drama.

And without reservation.

ALL the time.

Even regardless of what an asshole I have been...

For the last few years.

For their patience...

Their honesty, even when it hurt...

But especially when it hurt...

there is pain in the truth and truth in pain.

I thank them for that.

I doubt I deserve them most of the time. 

Some of you here, 

some privately or anonymously

You too share in the "thanks to you".

For all your kind words and patience, but more importantly,

for all your honesty and hard truths shared,

wanting nothing from me

but for me to simply see that

I deserve better,

that I am better than this,

 for me to heal...

And to simply be happy

I thank you all.

It's still not going to be easy, but I'm on my way.

~just sayin'~...

Gonna live in my own story. 

I'll stop trying to edit someone else's to fit into mine...

~♥peace♥~