I AM The Perfect Me...

Always.

I do believe that Tripp may have very well underestimated the veracity of all the above statements when they are regarding, well....me.  He's learning though.

I am enough, and always have been enough.  

His actions were not a representation of my failings.  My self-worth, my value as a lovable and worthy human being is not connected to his actions or choices.  That was the hardest lesson to learn out of all this--still working on it too.  And while I have lessons I still need to learn, I won't even pretend to know what he needs to learn.  That is for him to figure out for himself.  The question is, will he do the work necessary to come to a better understanding of not only me and our relationship, but of himself?

Who knows?

Well, with great love comes great sorrow...and responsibility...  Another lesson learned.   

My frame of reference is so tied to this relationship that we've had for so long that it has made it incredibly difficult to get get past the fear of letting go.  What if he's not okay--can I be okay with not knowing that? If some tragedy befell him, would I be able to act like it doesn't matter to me? What if I never find a relationship like this again?

Then I ask myself ,if it is such a great love, how could it be where it is today--mired in the shitstorm?  

But then, we talk and/or we get together and I am reminded just why it is that I haven't been able to let any of this, the good and the bad, go...

I have to remember though, to stay present and mindful of my thoughts.  If I do not, my brain runs away  and spins out all kinds of scenarios.  He was recently "treated" to what happens when I don't.  We met for a few minutes so I could give him the little gifts I got for him during a recent trip.  We were talking, laughing and just being us.  Then, the conversation turned to what I still refer to as "the shitstorm".  

He made some comment regarding the bar whore not being like his ex.  Somewhere in there he said something to the effect of how he could be friends with her, unlike with his ex.  I tried, I really did try not to lose it (I think he can attest to this--the struggle is real), but all I heard was "We can be friends and then we can develop a relationship".  

I said I didn't give a shit if she was Mother Theresa--she will always be as "bad" as his ex to me and  probably even worse because his ex was never going to be the one to break us up, but the bar whore most definitely could be.  And I said that this is where my brain goes when I think about this whole mess--and of course, I cried...for a minute--then I managed to get myself back under control (deep cleansing breaths) and we were back to us again.  I do not want to add to everything he is already going thru--but I have to be honest with my feelings as well.

Ah this roller coaster ride...no boring merry go round or paddle boats for this girl.  I love the fear, the excitement and the thrill.  You get so much more out of it than a crappy ol' merry go round.  And it's a truer representation of life's ups and downs, in my opinion.  

But then, I'm not just a passenger either--I have control over my decisions and the direction I move in this life.  We all make choices how to deal with the things that happen to us--so instead of just riding the ride thinking I am powerless, I have embraced the challenge of learning from the experience. Do I grow from the situation or do I choose to act the part of the helpless victim, simply riding along? 

If you choose to be a victim of life's circumstance, simply riding the ride, then you are choosing to wait for life to happen to you rather than actively participating and you lose out on the experience. 

And you lose out on defining your future for yourself by abdicating control and allowing circumstance define it for you.

That is not the who that I am.

Just sayin'...