For What It's Worth...

~If you believe it will work out, you’ll see opportunities. If you believe it won’t, you will see obstacles.~

   (yet another person way smarter than me—seems to be a lot more than I thought…just sayin’)

Part of me wonders what it is Tripp remembers and holds on to when he’s struggling with the story of us…

”remember when we went to the park but before that I was kind of a dick at the coffee shop because I thought you were dumping me and I ended up getting sunburned and you laughed at me”…

or “remember when I pulled out in front of that truck leaving the park and you got really upset with me for the first time to the point of texting me while you were driving”…

or “remember schweddy balls and kilts”?

(which, while unshared with y’all, still makes me laugh and remember exactly just how I felt that day in our usual hotel…my God, I believe it was the day I realized how absolutely perfect we were together…and told him just how he was perfect for me).

I expect he can recall a lot more specific details of the story of us these last five years. (I’m just sad that he forgot them when he needed to remember the most).  While my recall skills are admittedly pretty damn crappy, there are so many memories of our happiness and joy that I appreciated in the moment and that are a source of contentment and delight (and appreciation) still.  

I continue look back with gladness and wonder and even awe sometimes, remembering everything that made those moments magical.  That’s the key to my joy—I create it in my own way, and I recycle it with the remembrances.  It helps me to recognize the joy in the small moments now.  

Even through all this shitstorm, I am simply holding on to all the good that has been us and I realize how fortunate I am for being able to do so.  I am not saying I don’t have moments of despair or that I like when Tripp gets so down on himself and life in general.  But, I am strong—being strong doesn’t mean I don’t feel.  It simply means I am acting in a manner becoming of who I am in spite of my pain, and sharing how I feel without reservation.  Being strong doesn’t mean we’re invincible. It just means we have the ability to work through the pain and heal.

These struggles, both his and my own, aren’t signs of weakness. They're simply signs that we’re human…that sometimes we’ll need to lean on someone and sometimes we’ll be there to hold someone else up.  Without delving too deeply into the shitstorm as you all know it to be, the fact of the matter is, Tripp never really had a person he could lean on and felt okay to be vulnerable in front of.  He thinks only a strong front is acceptable from him, that he can’t just let it go and let me see that part of him that he tries to hide.  Of everyone in his life, I know I am the closest thing to being that person for him in as much as he allows me to be.

I get it.  I understand his fear.  I’ve been there…mostly in these last five years. 

It’s not like he deliberately set out to hurt me.  It’s simply that he’s been hauling around so much hurt and pain from the past and it crashed into his life at a time when I wasn’t allowed to be there to mitigate the damage.  I could have simply said “to hell with him—I do what I want” and showed up that fateful night—but he wanted that time to himself, to just hang out with his brother and have guy time.  I respected his wishes, and him, enough to give that to him.

So now, here we are. 

We, all of us, deserve second chances, and sometimes a third or fourth…generally speaking.  Yes, he hurt me more than I ever thought it possible to be hurt. And yes, I realize this isn’t the kind of thing that just resolves itself through positive thinking. I can’t make myself be 100% trusting of him by telling myself that I should be, or by trying to rationalize his actions or my feelings.

The reality is it takes time and effort to trust again. It takes the courage to admit how I feel/felt and the willingness from Tripp to hear and honor and try to understand those feelings. It takes the commitment to move beyond what happened instead of reliving and rehashing.  Most importantly, it takes my belief that he is a good man and I know his intentions come from that goodness in him.  I can’t be defensive over every little thing or else the uphill fight we’re already facing will simply be a battle that no one wins. (we all know how I feel about losing in just about any capacity…just sayin’).

This doesn’t mean I can ever know for certain that Tripp won’t hurt me again.

The only way I can know if I’m able to trust him is by giving him my trust again.  

So I asked myself:

Is this relationship worth that risk? 

Is it worth feeling vulnerable?

Is it worth forgiving?

Is it worth letting go of our story?

I have gone over this in my head, and in therapy, the better part of this year.  I’m still working through these questions.  I can say, without a smidge of doubt though, that this relationship is worth the risk.  

That he is worth the risk.  

I know it puts me in a vulnerable place, but I’ve been there before and survived being destroyed in my vulnerability.  

He is worthy of my forgiveness, and my love.

And to me, there is nothing worth letting go of us and our story.

So I guess what I am saying is that I am still thankful to have Tripp in my life, even though the circumstances are less than ideal. 

(yes--I am aware that I am the queen of understatement...lol!)

Happy Thanksgiving y'all!