Angsty Schmangsty...

I thought this was going to go in the unpublished pile of blog posts—but decided that here, this blog, is my place—one of the very few places truth be told—where I can say what I want without fear of consequence or judgment…I shared it with Tripp and even said it was one of the never to be seen posts which in turn got us chatting on a more serious note…I call them my "angsty emails" and he, being the wonderful person he is, tells me everything is going to be okay in such a way that I actually believe him.

And don't worry—I am not depressed or contemplating any type of self-inflicted harm…I am just struggling with missing her and wondering if I will ever feel normal (well, normal for ME) again. I think its just the anticipation of Christmas without her that is going to be more difficult than the day itself.

Anyhow--on to the post.

This is where things seemingly get complicated. 

And just for dramatic effect, I am gonna say "This is where lives hang in the balance".

Not lives really, just mine.

You see, I have this almost compulsive need for balance in my life, so much so that most everything in my house is symmetrical.  LOL!  It makes me crazy when things aren't symmetrical…you know…balanced.

Like I already said.

And things are off kilter all around me right now.

I do not like it, not one little bit.

*sigh*

I'm feeling like I am approaching a break point—there is just an overflow of off-centeredness that is dragging me down. I need to create balance, I know this.  But with a family who is so stuck in "but its tradition" I am finding it extremely difficult to balance social commitments with alone time (and alone time doesn't seem to be allowed on the best of days, much less when I need it the most!)

It's Christmas time (obvs) and I thought I'd be all right hosting the family (all 27 of us crammed in my little house…ugh!) after begging off hosting Thanksgiving.

I'm pissy because no one seems to get the fact that I am now in a year of firsts—it was my first Thanksgiving without my mom and it was kinda rough, but I made it through relatively okay—especially since I wasn't forced to be anywhere I didn't want to or into having a houseful of people.  It was just my immediate family—and that is how I like it.  That is how it was for 20 years.  That is how I wish it would have stayed…I always say, "Family is over-rated" when referring to the mass gatherings over the holidays.

Now I am approaching my first Christmas without my mom. With the burden of being the hostess with the mostest while hearing how sorry they are that she's gone.  How's that for Christmas cheer? Ugh.

I'm scared.

Stressed.

Hurt and confused.

And angry.

At the world.

At myself.

At her.

For dying when…I still needed her.

Yes, I know it's ridiculous to expect an aging, terminally ill parent to live forever, and crazier still for feeling like an orphan at 45. 

But hey, this is me.

Going through the motions…

Putting on a happy face so no one has to feel uncomfortable…

Just sayin'…

Now with all that being said, if things don't get better after the holidays I will look into (possibly, mayyyyybe anyhow—God I am such a loner/private/independent/I can do this on my own kind of a person) a support group.  But I suspect that with the end of the holiday season, I will have that easy, peaceful feeling back. 

Here's to hope and healing.♥