Five But Not

I wish I could be here announcing the big anniversary number 5 for Tripp and I.

But I can't.

Not really.

We are together-ish.

But not a couple.

Not really.

I am okay where I am in the process right now

(at least according to my therapist I am making good progress).

I am truly struggling with letting go of this life I had envisioned for us and...with what to do with this great love I still feel for him.

I understand facing the necessity of letting go and moving forward.

I do.

Right now, my biggest difficulty is my fear of not having him in my life anymore.

Of becoming a memory he jokes about with the guys...

Or forgotten...

Or, maybe worse still, of becoming a parenthesis in his life.

I'm a goddamn exclamation point...

Lots of them all in a row!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! see? !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My last therapy session was on the big 5 year day...probably a good thing since I was struggling mightily that day (Tripp was having his own day of hell, coincidentally on the same day--so I was in a fuck you universe kind of mood all day).  I told the therapist it probably sounded stupid but I was really resisting pulling the trigger on us because I didn't want him to feel like I do right now; that I didn't want to hurt him regardless of much he hurt me. I truly don't want him feeling like this and absolutely don't want to hurt him.  There's been enough of that to go around the world a few times already.

And generally speaking, when we're together, we're just stupidly happy.  Do you realize how difficult true and simple happiness is to come by?  It's not to say I am not happy otherwise--I am.  My life is, in many arenas, moving forward splendidly and I am mostly happy.  It's simply not the same though.

This is something that impacts my day to day existence--and before I go any further, let me just say if you've been though something similar--I'm sorry. And I understand.

But if you haven't--I simply ask for understanding.

Even though I haven't been to war, my therapist has said I do have  ptsd--that something bad happened to me and its not okay...that its going to have a lasting impression on all of my days.  This heartbreaking event, in conjunction with an old psyche-altering trauma from my youth, wreaked more havoc in my life than I thought ever even possible.

I am working to take my power back...my therapist really is helping me to come to a place of truly forgiving Tripp once and for all (and I mostly have but not 100%...I agree), but even more importantly towards forgiving myself.  That forgiveness isn't condoning the wrongs done, or even excusing them.  That I may have to temporarily (or permanently) remove myself from the person(s) that hurt me so badly.

That it's okay to do this.

That I didn't deserve any of this shit.

That no one does.

I just have to get beyond the fear of what my life might be otherwise...

I'm a soup sandwich.

So happy 5th not 5th, Tripp.

Now, as always, I love you.

Always will.