I wouldn't suggest testing me on this...because, as the song says,
"I might only have one match, but I can make an explosion"
This is not a thinly veiled threat, by any means.
It's not a threat at all.
It's just a simple truth.
Like, "Get ahead of your shit before it gets ahead of you"
or
Like, "Get ahead of your shit before it gets ahead of you"
or
Kinda like "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned".
His ex has NOTHING on the destruction I could toss into the fray. I'm the 'easter egg' in the software... I'm the hidden secret. No one knows I'm here... but should they look hard enough, I can be found.
I'm not making it easy for anyone who may try though.
I'm not making it easy for anyone who may try though.
I won't enter the fray simply because I will always care enough about him not to add to the shitstorm that is now his normal life -- his "new normal". Every time I think it might be settling out a little, he tells me about some other new series of drama unfolding in his life...it seems to just be a never-ending story of "the suck" for him.
And that just makes me incredibly sad.
I don't know how much longer I can do this, quite frankly.
I want to fix what I can, but the problem is I can fix exactly nothing in this whole mess EXCEPT for my own damn self. And even when I am trying to help him, he doesn't listen to sound reason because he doesn't want to offend the bar whore in any way lest she bail with their kid. Guess I am the only one he's okay with offending. That still doesn't stop me from wanting to help him though. Is it presumptuous of me to think I can? That he'd even want me to? Am I even remotely qualified to?
Yeah... this healing and attempt at moving forward is some slow going fuckery... mother fuck, but why do I still love him and even care?! After ALL he's done, why? One of the great questions of the universe, I guess.
And that just makes me incredibly sad.
I don't know how much longer I can do this, quite frankly.
I want to fix what I can, but the problem is I can fix exactly nothing in this whole mess EXCEPT for my own damn self. And even when I am trying to help him, he doesn't listen to sound reason because he doesn't want to offend the bar whore in any way lest she bail with their kid. Guess I am the only one he's okay with offending. That still doesn't stop me from wanting to help him though. Is it presumptuous of me to think I can? That he'd even want me to? Am I even remotely qualified to?
Yeah... this healing and attempt at moving forward is some slow going fuckery... mother fuck, but why do I still love him and even care?! After ALL he's done, why? One of the great questions of the universe, I guess.
At least I am about the business of living and I am finding my way to a new happiness. There really is no other way.
Thank God I can drink and not make bad decisions... except maybe posting under the influence isn't such a great decision...Hah! Whatever. Although, it might be a whole 'nuther story otherwise...
just sayin'...
I still have a whole lotta fight left in me, but I'm really about done wasting my breath.
Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion
And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (in too deep)
And it's been two years
I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
Still believe
Yeah, I still believe
And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
A lot of fight left in me
Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion
This is my fight song (Hey!)
Take back my life song (Hey!)
Prove I'm alright song (Hey!)
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong (I'll be strong)
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
No I've still got a lot of fight left in me
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion
And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (in too deep)
And it's been two years
I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
Still believe
Yeah, I still believe
And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
A lot of fight left in me
Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion
This is my fight song (Hey!)
Take back my life song (Hey!)
Prove I'm alright song (Hey!)
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong (I'll be strong)
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
No I've still got a lot of fight left in me
The fact that you still try to help amazes me. it is like you are patching holes in the Titanic as the poor people from steerage fly past you into the icy depths. You run the risk of getting sucked into the maelstrom that is his world and that won't help you one bit.
ReplyDeleteI suggest (and I know you didn't ask) that you take three steps back, pray for him if that is your thing, and save yourself.
I appreciate what you're say Ad, I do. But to ignore him (and his pain) is not in my nature. I'm not responsible for what he's chosen for his path, but I'm responsible for my own attitude now. Why let someone who hurt me in the past have power over my present? I don't give that up to,or for, anyone. I own my shit and my attitude. Somewhere in this whole quagmire,I accepted the responsibility to myself to create my own happiness again, and I am doing just that.
ReplyDeleteBut in doing so, I am not going to have him be isolated from who may be the only person who has his back, deserved or not. I don't carry the burden he does 24/7 (even if my pain was a consequence of his choices) and if I can help ease that burden with a kind gesture or a loving word, to lift his spirits for only a few minutes, then who am I NOT to do so?
I am well aware that I can't fix anything FOR him. The onus of responsibility for him lays solely at his own feet. That doesn't mean I won't listen and advise him with nothing but his best interests at heart...I'm not recommending courses of action that will lead to a reconciliation for US, or trying to make his life even more difficult. I am just trying to help him navigate his way to some sort of happiness in this new normal of his own making.
It hurts me to see anyone I care about in pain, and I would do the same for any one of them...