I am at another crossroads here people.
Big surprise, I know.
*sigh*
I am getting ready, I think, to tell Tripp about the blog.
I think.
Gah!
I have been bandying it about for weeks now. Weeks!
I told him I used to have a blog before (truth) and that it's not available to me any more (also truth) and explained the circumstances around the deletion of said blog.
I told him our first meet was laid out in the old blog and I thought it was a funny kind of story. And I so would have sent a copy of it to him if I still had it. *sigh* There are a lot of posts from that old blog I wish I still had…I poured so much of myself into it and I still miss it sometimes. But when I cleaned house, I seriously cleaned house.
He said something along the lines of wondering if I had one now. Rather than lie to him, I simply changed the subject. Classic avoidance. Ugh.
But it's been weighing on me since then. I have almost, almost, told him so many different times…I guess the hesitation lies more in my little insecurities than in any doubt of him and how he feels about me.
He is one of the very few people who I have given details about what I seem to always refer to as my 'brokenness'. We both have scars from long ago, not fully healed. My concern is really, what if, in reading this blog, he decides maybe I am just not that girl he thought I was and just wants out.
The thought practically paralyzes me and just sucks the breath right out of me.
Or would I be able to answer the questions he's inevitably have—and he decides then I am just a tad too crazy train for him.
Or, in telling him, would everything I post thereafter be consciously or unconsciously edited? I mean, there's little edits where I don't remember exact words or precise thoughts, but overall the entirety of this is truth (the truth as I perceive it maybe, or how I want it to be? Hah!)
So, simply put (and really hard to admit)...I'm scared.
And I just love him too much to either lie to him or hurt him.
Just sayin'.
What to do, what to do??
And OMG…this just occurred to me!!
What if he already knows about it?!?!?!
Its not out of the realm of possibility--we found out that we read some of the same blogs. And some of those blogs have me in their blog roll…and…and…shit shit shit…I call him Tripp in the real world too.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Crap.
♥Hi baby!! I love you!!♥ <<<waving>>>
<<< Waving back >>> I love you too baby - very much!!!
ReplyDeleteWell, this was a bit to take in on a Friday morning - LOL. I read through each blog post with a little trepidation, not sure exactly what would be around the next corner. There were a few things here, one from today’s post and others from previous that just made it impossible to be mad or anything. From todays “My concern is really, what if, in reading this blog, he decides maybe I am just not that girl he thought I was and just wants out. The thought practically paralyzes me and just sucks the breath right out of me.” I am still here my beautiful Irish sweetheart. You know how I feel about you. How could I be mad when given our situation, given how we are together – how truly great we are IMHO, and thinking of how I would feel if you weren’t in my life (OMG I seriously can’t imagine anything worse right now!). How could I be mad? It was a lot to absorb I suppose before I even totally get the day started, but I understand the desire to write in order to express, share, and deal with what this crazy world can throw at us.
Then there’s the post from May 9th “I’m in ♥love♥” “I could not ask for a more insightful, intelligent, funny, sexy, sweetheart of a lover to have in my life. We have this connection that I have never had with anyone before, and may never again. “ This just jumped off the page at me because it is so glaringly and so absolutely how I feel too. I said to you today “I don't want to go through my life without you in it in whatever form we can. I definitely know that. I feel like I could wander forever and not find someone so well matched for me. Someone I love so. Someone that I get and gets me the way we get each other.” This is absolutely true baby. It, as I may have mentioned a time or two today KILLS ME that we are not together today! And oh yeah, I Love You!!!
Maybe I should have let you respond in guest blog form...LOL!! ♥Love♥you♥!
ReplyDeleteYou did mention the idea of his and hers blogs;-) Muah baby! ♥Love♥you♥ too!
ReplyDeletebaby steps sweets ;) ya hafta guest post now...it's expected! And I already promised not to read it til it posts....and I wont delete it either! Maybe. :-P
ReplyDelete