Things have been mad stressful in Tripp's world and when he loses his shit (so to speak) I tend to lose mine...
Our ways of coping/reacting are different--I didn't realize he put so much stock in my ramblings here.
His pain and suffering are unfathomable and I lashed out in a rather unbecoming manner
Now he believes I've quit us.
And i never have.
And yet...
Here we are...
On the precipice...
Tripp came by late the other night.
It was unexpected, even though he said he'd try to come by, I didn't expect to see him.
I was wracked with sobs earlier in the evening--just heartbreaking, gut wrenching sobbing...and puking...there's always that when I am an emotional upheaval mess...
I had fallen asleep--to be woken by a knock on the door...and then looked at my phone.
"I'm here if you want to talk to me".
I let him in, of course.
And we started to talk...then it evolved into our making love.
After, I laid my head down with the person who matters most to me
in the entire world, and began to shut out the outside world and fell into a
deep tranquility.
Even if it was only a
brief respite from the pain of reality, I’d do it again.
The downtime gave us
a chance to experience a brief peacefulness with the one we love so much,
even though the eventual conversation was not one either of us wished to be
having.
And the events of the days after--I admit I have my moments and when I do, my head says, "act now", when everything else is saying "wait, girl..just wait...you know how you are when you're in your own headspace too long"...yeah--my selfish side won and I hurt him.
I posted glimpses of my pain without considering his.
For that I will forever be sorry.
And Tripp?
I'll love you longer.
Just sayin'...
We all need to lash out at times, and he needs to understand that some things can't be shared with 1 person, so they need to be shouted to all. He needs to understand that you think out loud and not make your pain his pain, but to listen and understand, and hold you tight.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Ad. Sometimes I just need to be told everything is going to be all right. As much as I know it will be, I can only tell myself so many times before needing some sort of affirmation from someone outside of my own headspace. You know?
ReplyDeletewe convince ourselves of many things that aren't true, so having that outside voice helps. Of course, i could be just as crazy as you.
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