I Can't Even...

I am,  in a word,  devastated.

Actually,  there isn't a word to describe how
I've been feeling.  

There is some heavy shit going down in the world of Tripp and Jane.

We're still together,  so there is that.

It's not something that's going to be shared at this point in time,  but I don't have another outlet to use.

I will say,  no I'm not pregnant.  LOL! That should be *lol* instead...it's so difficult to smile sometimes,  much less laugh.   Lord knows,  if I laugh too much,  I start to cry and don't know if/when it will stop.

I can't talk to friends,  as none know about this relationship, and that's how it has to be for the time being.

I can't talk to Tripp, mainly because he is so involved and because it causes him pain to see mine.  And when I see him hurt,  then I hurt and the viscous cycle begins again.

Since the unnamed (to y'all) situation has been made known,  I cry in the privacy of my shower... It's the only solitary place I have (and I can blame red eyes on soap).

I don't want to cry, I hate crying... And I'm still trying to work out if they are tears of sadness,  happiness,  fear, or some combination of them all. I expect it's a combination,  if I'm being honest.

All is not lost and there is hope... There is always hope.

I have to believe in that.

Just sayin'